Where do I go from here?

 I haven’t been a teacher for long, just five and a half years, but these past two years have been somewhat of a challenge and for months now I have done nothing more than go through the motions. My inspiration, my passion, my drive.. the things I believed distinguished me from others.. all gone. The reasons for that are varied and complex; the current pandemic has not helped all that much, this is true. But it’s more than that. More than the online teaching, the long hours, the ungrateful parents, the never-ending paperwork or the unruly kids.  You see, it’s about being part of a system you no longer believe in without being able to escape.

I knew before I started that a job in education was not going to be easy. But I figured that it was worth it because at the end of the day I’d be making a difference. However, after five years the stone cold truth is that, although I do make a difference, it will never be enough. There will always be children that I can’t help, problems that I can’t see or situations that I can’t improve. Again, you might say that this is simply a part of growing up. And I agree, and of course I know very well that even the smallest things I do as a teacher could have an impact. But if that is so, then the fact that I, willingly, work within a system that seems geared to destroying children’s individuality and imagination, their passion and their drive, will have a bigger impact than all the previously mentioned small things combined.

So where does this leave me? Do I quit, throw in the towel and walk away? Accept that the education system is governed by people who know jack all about education and therefore it will never change? Or do I hang on, stay the course, kill my soul a little every day and pray that in the end the scales end up in my favor? That all the things that I can do make up for the things I can’t. Do I put my faith in the belief that ‘things will get better’ or do I save myself and find something else to do with my life? These questions haunt me every day. During report meetings as I listen to coworkers describing a kids with ADHD as ‘abnormal’ and ‘impossible to work with’. During endless hours of tedious paperwork to make sure that every single thing my students do is documented and, most importantly, assessed. During the talks with my kids, as I see them struggle with balancing the ever growing demands of society and school upon their time.

The worst part is that I simply don’t know. I have wanted to be a teacher ever since I was sixteen and for the past 12 years it has been one of the main focuses of my life. And on the good days, the days filled with moments wherein my lessons go well and my students astound me, I love my job more than anything in the world. I love watching my kids grow up, love to watch their enthusiasm and their drive. I love them when they are driving me insane with worry. I love them when they don’t listen and I love them when seem to have given up. I love them, plain and simple.

Yet, despite all that love I can’t help but feel that I am failing them each and every day. With every problem I miss or can’t solve. Every crisis that occurs that I can’t remedy. Every mark I give them for an arbitrary task they must perform because some idiotic person once decided that it had to be done this way. Every parent talk wherein I can’t quite be the advocate that I want to be. No matter what I do .. I feel like I am failing them. And I just can’t shake that feeling no matter what I try. It sneaks up on me and lingers like a dark cloud that never quite dissipates. A nasty aftertaste that you can’t quite shake no matter how many mints you pop inside your mouth. It’s just there.

 So, I ask once more, where do I go from here?